


impermanence

by rotrograde



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Cussing, Established Relationship, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Moonlight, Slow Dancing, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, breaking out into random prose, felix voice: oh my god shut up, i wrote this in an exhausted haze, slow dancing IN the moonlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:35:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22217152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rotrograde/pseuds/rotrograde
Summary: There's only one person who holds some amount of sway over Felix. Unfortunately, they know it all too well.
Relationships: Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier
Comments: 11
Kudos: 92





	impermanence

For a moment, just a split second, a single iota in all of time and space in their otherwise insignificant lives on a meaningless star floating through a void of nothing, Felix considered going to the ball. 

It was a fleeting thought, one that happened so quickly that even Felix himself had been unaware of it. All he was left with was the feeling of knowing he'd thought it, and the subsequent slimy disappointment in himself that immediately followed afterward. He needed a moment to even come to terms with the fact he'd let such a disgraceful idea flutter through his mind; but fate was cruel, and fate was unkind, and he regretted ever getting to know Sylvain at all. 

“You totally almost just said yes, didn't you?” 

The grin on his face was disgusting. Felix countered it with a hard scowl, his brows knit and his eyes smoldering. 

“What makes you think I'd want to go to such horse shit?” he spat. There was a venom in his tone that unfortunately didn't seem to affect Sylvain at all, and it was turning his internal aggravation into overdrive. “It's just some vapid event where the snobby whelps of conceited nobles like you can congregate and fuck off doing something useless and stupid. I'm not interested.” 

Felix had come down from his red-hot high near the end, and he wished he hadn't when he bothered to look Sylvain in the eyes. The flash of utter _hurt _and disappointment in them had come just as quickly as it had gone, but somehow that abhorrent smile never faltered.__

__“Ouch,” he laughed, reaching up to rub at the back of his neck. “You really are sharp with that tongue of yours these days. Do you just sit in front of mirror and practice your social skills, or something?”_ _

__It was a jest, yet the joke didn't seem to reach Sylvain's tone to get it across. “Listen, Felix, I just...” He shook his head and sighed. “I know you're going to shut yourself away and be all lonely, and I don't like thinking of you doing that. You've been such an...”_ _

__He trailed off, but it was easy enough to fill in the blank: _asshole._ _ _

__“Anyway,” Sylvain said, “even if it's just for a few moments to like, grab some food or something, or laugh at Dimitri while he's fumbling around out there, I don't know. I just know that it would probably do you some good to get a change of scenery for once. Life doesn't, and never will, revolve around the battlefield.”_ _

__Sylvain had the audacity to finish his piece with what almost sounded like genuine and concerned common sense. Felix stared at him with disdain. “That still doesn't make me any more interested in going than I had been before,” he muttered. He took on a more defensive stance and crossed his arms, keeping them folded tight across his abdomen._ _

__They weren't exactly in a private area; Sylvain had cornered him in the courtyard between the classrooms and the dining hall, sequestered away enough to the point where the corner they'd tucked into could offer adequate protection from the public eye. It wasn't enough; every time Felix raised his voice, he could see someone glance their way._ _

__He cleared his throat and averted his gaze to the wall they stood next to, his eyes idly tracing the muted green ivy clinging to the grey stones. There was more to this than he wanted to admit. Unfortunately, Sylvain knew this. It was a repercussion of letting him in, after he'd spent so long pining for his attention and the right to call Sylvain _his._ Yet now, he was hellbent on digging into every niche in Felix, to hollow him out and lay him bare like some sort of rune stone. _ _

__“Come on, Felix,” he whined. “We've been so good together so far, and I've been so _good_ for you. Is it really too much to ask for a little slow dancing with my beloved? I swear I don't even have my mind on trying to get some girls. I haven't for a while now. And if I go out to town, I want you with me, on my arm.” _ _

__Sylvain stepped in closer to Felix, warily invading his personal bubble. Felix looked to Sylvain from the corner of his narrowed eyes, staring at him quietly. Sylvain was being sincere. He always was, and it was a terrible trait of his. It made others soft for him, and Felix hated how much it made _him_ soft for Sylvain; he was sand in those fingers of his, and it made it all too easy for Sylvain to keep digging deeper and deeper into him. _ _

__“I suppose you're right,” Felix growled, reaching up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “But you know this isn't my thing, Sylvain. It never has been. And you knew I wouldn't bother with it, so...why are you trying to bother me with it?”_ _

__“I know, I know.” Sylvain raised his hands, his shoulders squared. “You've always preferred to watch things from the shadows like the little creep you are. I get it. But Felix, I just...”_ _

__He sighed dramatically. He reached out to wrangle one of Felix's hands for his own, and despite his reactive struggle, managed to get one and hold it to his chest._ _

___“Please,_ Felix. Just come for like ten minutes? Near the end, so not a whole lot of people are left to see you. I just want enough time with you to form a special memory, y'know? Who knows how many opportunities we're going to get after this to do that. I don't want to waste a chance to spend some quality time with you.” _ _

__He stepped in even closer, easily crowding Felix with his height and posture. Felix made to back away, but he hit the wall behind himself instead, the soft rustle of the ivy cushioning the blow._ _

__Felix was utterly defeated. He would have willingly cut his arm off instead of admitting it, yet there he was, admitting it anyway. His eyes flicked from the ground to Sylvain's eyes and back again, tentatively nervous. He swallowed hard, before heaving a sigh of his own that left him feeling utterly, irredeemably empty._ _

__“All right,” he muttered, “but only for ten minutes. The last ten minutes. Nothing more, nothing less.”_ _

__He tried to stab at Sylvain with a pointed glare, but he'd barely managed to look up before he was unwillingly gathered up into an overly enthusiastic embrace. It was suffocating and grabbed too much attention from open ears and prying eyes, yet Felix let it happen._ _

__After all, this had been what he'd wanted. And it still was._ _

__*_ _

__  


__Just as he predicted, the ball was a gaudy and awful affair. Felix didn't even have to step inside the entrance hall to know it, either. The music echoed off the stones both in and outside, warping the notes to something eerily distant and detached from its original melody. The din of overly excited voices could be heard from as far as the courtyard gardens, and it was there that Felix lingered._ _

__He hesitated to go in there. Part of him did feel bad over the fact he just couldn't do it, but another insisted Sylvain knew this would happen anyway. Felix had tried to warn him. He couldn't say he didn't try._ _

__It was late at that point, anyway. Early evening had come and gone, and the full moon above swathed the land below in its silver glow. If he had to guess the time, he would have said around midnight. The whole event had proven itself by then to never end, and if those last ten minutes he'd promised he be there for came and went in the dark of night, then so be it. Sylvain couldn't fault him for not wanting to come around so late._ _

__With that perfectly good excuse in mind, Felix really had to wonder why he still loitered there. He'd wandered idly to the outdoor dining patio, keeping close, yet far enough away from everything to not be seen. He sat down in one of the frozen chairs and hugged himself tight, a weak attempt at keeping the bitter chill of the night air at bay._ _

__The hedges had cast their shadows over the area, their inky depths clawing along the ground. They offered enough protection to not be seen by anyone, and it didn't seem like the others had any intentions of coming by the area any time soon. Everyone probably had other locations in mind, like the Goddess Tower, or something else equally uninteresting. Felix scoffed to himself at the thought._ _

__Though he couldn't deny he'd thought about going there once or twice with Sylvain. He wanted to know what it'd be like, even if he did realize it was just a dusty old tower. It had nothing on their private little spaces they had made for themselves throughout the monastery, and honestly, their bedrooms._ _

__He couldn't believe two months had already come and gone between now and them agreeing to be a _thing._ Felix was still in disbelief they'd had that conversation, that Sylvain had managed to get that confession out of him. It had been like pulling teeth for both ends of the conversation, but at least it felt more like extracting rotting enamel: once it was stripped, instant relief. _ _

__Yet a dull, throbbing ache lingered in his heart from time to time. It was the result of thinking too far into the future, of the possibility that he wouldn't be good enough for Sylvain in the end after all. It happened when he thought of the responsibilities of their respective houses, and how heirs weren't born with the power of magic, or stumbled upon in a forest somewhere out of pure, serendipitous luck._ _

__Felix didn't care at all about that, obviously, but he knew Sylvain did. Why he cared about it so much, Felix would never know. It wasn't something he could ignore, though; not when it was evidently so important to Sylvain._ _

__He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, lost in the river of his thoughts, until he heard an all-too-familiar voice. Felix snapped himself out of his stupor and came back to a cold and harsh reality, and his subtle displeasure was obvious on his features as he turned around to look at none other than Sylvain himself._ _

__“There you are. Geez, it took me forever to find you! Why didn't you come in?” Sylvain stepped up to Felix's side, wearing a concerned expression that pulled his mouth into a cute little pout. His own cheeks were splashed over in blotchy hues of red, and his chest heaved like he'd been running from one end of the monastery to the other. He held out a hand and put it on Felix's shoulder, lightly at first, before applying more pressure once he'd gotten Felix's silent consent._ _

__“It's so cold out here. You should have come in and let me warm you up.”_ _

__He winked, and Felix snorted._ _

__“No, thank you,” he muttered. “It's a nice night. I figured waiting here was good enough until you eventually found me. And I was right.” Felix forced his expression to soften; it wasn't Sylvain's actual, physical presence in the moment that was getting to him—just the wandering thinking prior to his arrival that had waned into unpleasant ideals._ _

__If anything, Felix was grateful Sylvain had showed up when he did. He reached up to put his hand over Sylvain's, letting it rest there while he glanced around them. Despite the background din of nearby congregated voices, there wasn't a soul to be seen. They seemed to be in complete privacy; and with that astute observation done and over with, Felix allowed himself to relax and lean in closer to Sylvain._ _

__“Are you all right?” Sylvain crouched down low next to Felix's chair. His brown eyes caught the moonlight and it turned them to a glittering silver, and Felix hated how enraptured he was by them. Or, at least, he wanted to hate it._ _

__“I'm fine,” Felix murmured. “Just thinking about how Ingrid's right most of the time, and how I should be thinking of the next day's menu, too.” He smirked, before shaking his head. “Or...something like that.”_ _

__“Well that's anticlimactic. No poetry running wild in that pretty head of yours for little old me?” Sylvain leaned closer, the grin plastered across his face growing wider. He pushed his head into Felix's lap and obnoxiously fluttered his lashes, clearing his throat._ _

__“O Felix,” he started, with that tone of voice that managed to spike Felix's heartbeat into a panicked stutter. He tried to stop whatever it was that Sylvain was doing, but he was too late; Sylvain had read his movements and pulled back before Felix's hand could cover his mouth, and he spun away, mock-dancing with an invisible partner as he did._ _

__“Your eyes, they see right through me,” he continued, to Felix's dismay. “Like two knives to my heart and head. You are the lone star upon which I gaze in the isolated south, whose shimmering point forms no constellation—”_ _

__Felix had risen to his feet and lunged for Sylvain, who had promptly pulled away just in time to leave him staggering into empty air._ _

__“And you are the songbird who sings a melody of its own, to the empty theater, to the ghosts of souls long past that still occupy the dusty corners...”_ _

__Where this speed and these suddenly inhuman reflexes came from, and for a purpose like _this_ of all things, Felix really wanted to know. Especially when Sylvain had turned unexpectedly and quickly stepped in behind him, wrapping his arms firm around Felix's middle, his chin resting on his shoulder. _ _

__“You are the lover who has all of my yearning and longing, the embrace that feels as if it were made for me; you are the soft and sweet moon to which I look every night, to say I lov—”_ _

__He broke out laughing, snorting hard through Felix's fingers. He'd managed to break one hand free from the confines of Sylvain's arms, and slapped it hard against his mouth. Felix was _scandalized.__ _

__“Please stop,” he whisper-hissed. “I'm begging you, please, you...you can write it down later, or something, just _not here...”__ _

__“Oh, you're no fun, Fifi.” Sylvain hummed in bemusement, the soft reverberation of his voice tickling the side of Felix's neck. He made to pull himself away from Sylvain, to turn around and stare him down, but he...didn't. He couldn't; not when Sylvain's lips felt so nice against his pulse, so warm and supple. He was melting into the touch, whether he liked it or not._ _

__“Shut up,” was all he could manage to mutter, his eyes cast to the side of the clearing. Thank the Goddess no one had decided to randomly show up during that little reverie._ _

__“Oh, you liked it. Don't lie to me.”_ _

__Sylvain took Felix by the shoulders and urged him to turn around. He did, cautiously looking to Sylvain's face as he moved. He had his hands held out towards Felix, invitingly, an eyebrow plucked high on his forehead._ _

__“You promised you'd let me dance with you.”_ _

__“I promised no such thing,” Felix was quick to counter, though his rebuttal was moot. He let Sylvain take him by the hands anyway, and he spread his fingers so Sylvain could lace their fingers together; and Felix let him hold them so tenderly while he slid into Felix's personal space, and he let him stay there._ _

__Felix gave in completely with a heavy sigh. He reached up to wrap his arm around Sylvain's shoulders, tugging him close to smother the remaining gap between them. The nipping sting of the cold air was forced out, too, replaced with their breath that fogged over and mingled together at their mouths. Sylvain leaned in close and pressed his forehead to Felix's, a small, content noise playing at the back of his throat._ _

__“There we go,” he murmured, looping his arm around Felix's waist. “Just like that, Fifi.”_ _

__“Stop calling me that.” Felix didn't actually mean that, of course, but it was no less embarrassing to hear._ _

__“Nope. Not in a million years. You are and will always be my little Fi— Ow.”_ _

__Felix knocked his head against Sylvain's nose, but like with most things when it came to the man, it had turned out to be a mistake; Sylvain leaned down into the motion and rubbed his nose firmly against Felix's, tightening his grip around his waist, ensuring no escape. Felix tried to fight it and wriggle away, but it was an action done in vain._ _

__“Come on, Felix. For real. Let me enjoy this with you.”_ _

__Sylvain reached up to brush his knuckles over Felix's cheekbone. He could feel them slip back behind his ear, where they dipped down to take him tenderly by the jaw. Felix couldn't look Sylvain in the eye, but he did lean into the touch, and stubbornly so. He squished his cheek against Sylvain's palm to push the skin up towards his eye, and he pouted, and he was sure he had to look ridiculous, if Sylvain's snorts and giggles were any indicator._ _

__“Oh, now that just isn't fair. No one's going to believe me when I describe that to them,” Sylvain mock-whined, his arm falling back to Felix's side._ _

__“That's the point,” he replied, pointedly. He flicked his eyes up to look at Sylvain, mostly so he could keep track of how he moved while they danced. He'd never been great at it, but watching himself just made it worse._ _

__“Why are you so adamant about not showing others you care?” Sylvain pulled him along into a slow tempo, barely moving from where they stood. It was more like a side-to-side swaying, and honestly, Felix would take it._ _

__“Because they don't need to know every little thing I'm feeling at every moment of the day,” he said, flatly. “I don't like to just lay myself upon the table and sag like a book that's been opened and closed one too many times.”_ _

__“Now that's a metaphor.”_ _

__Sylvain gently turned them into a circle, and Felix watched as the different angles changed the moon's lighting on his face. Somehow, he managed to look so _lovely_ in every one, despite the brief unflattering look it gave him a couple times. Felix really did have to wonder how he came out so damn pretty from that family of his. _ _

__“Come on,” Sylvain suddenly piped up, bouncing their hands in the air. “A gold for your thoughts? You got that real cute look in your eye.”_ _

__He winked, and Felix wanted to wither._ _

__“I'm not thinking anything,” he muttered, looking past Sylvain's head, to the hedges instead. “I'm just enjoying your company. I'm enjoying _you.”__ _

__Sylvain let out a mock gasp. “Really?” he asked, so awfully disingenuous with his voice that it made Felix's skin crawl._ _

__“Yes, really. Now stop looking at me like that.”_ _

__Felix glowered at him. It was a short-lived expression, one that was completely wiped from his face when Sylvain had leaned in to kiss him._ _

__“Oh, Fifi,” he murmured, wrapping both arms tight around Felix, “you have no idea how much that means to me.”_ _

__Sylvain spoke between kisses, ones that had started out slow before growing more firm. He pushed deeper into Felix, prodding at his lips with his tongue; and when he was granted entry he moaned, softly, while he worked the muscle along the edges of Felix's teeth._ _

__The kiss itself, and the intensity of it, had caught Felix unawares. His hands wavered where they'd been resting on Sylvain's body, unsure if he should grab on or keep himself reined in. This was a kind of kiss they'd shared before, the kind that dug deep and took Felix's breath away. It was such a thorough kiss that it quickly turned all of Felix's senses over to Sylvain, and everything else he had to offer within the moment._ _

__He slid his hands to Sylvain's shoulders and held them. He curled his fingers into the stiff fabric of his uniform's coat, clinging to both it and Sylvain's steadying frame more than he'd willingly admit. He even let Sylvain dip him slightly back, to further deepen the kiss and steal away what remained of Felix's breath and voice completely._ _

__And it had been the kind of kiss to leave him dazed, and feeling like it was still happening when Sylvain pulled away. His lingering saliva had created a gossamer bridge between their lower lips before snapping at its inflection, falling back to Felix's chin; and he thought distantly to himself how they really should work on the messiness of their shared affections. It felt cold on his face, and it only served to dry his skin out._ _

__“Sorry,” Sylvain said, hushed, reaching up between them to pat lightly at Felix's chin. “I got a little excited there. I always do, when you say the next best thing to the L-bomb.”_ _

__“I wouldn't think it'd be that exciting, coming from me,” Felix said. “I'm sure you've heard it plenty of times before anyway.”_ _

__The thought was enough to dampen Felix's mood. He didn't like thinking about that, even if it was a personality point of Sylvain's. He couldn't help the ugly jealously that reared its head and clung to the back of his throat each time the subject was brought up, and it was always so hard to swallow it back down._ _

__“Oh, stop that.” Sylvain bopped his nose admonishingly against Felix's. “I know they've all been fake confessions. And I like hearing it from you better. It actually means something to me when you say it...if you ever will, that is.”_ _

__Sylvain pouted again. This time Felix could see it was genuine, and he sighed._ _

__“I just...”_ _

__He averted his gaze. He could feel his cheeks warming, and everything from Sylvain's warmth to the light of the moon turned oppressive. He couldn't look at any of it, so he'd let his eyes fall to the space between them, awkwardly watching their feet slowly trample the stiff, frostbitten grass._ _

__“I do love you. For what it's worth. I just can't throw something so...heavy...like that around. Not as casually as you can.” He grunted, some hair coming loose from his bun and falling across his eye. “But maybe I should learn to loosen up a little and try.”_ _

__“No.” Sylvain's answer was immediate, and he smiled. It brightened up their private little space like the sun, and Felix couldn't look at any of it again._ _

__“No, Felix. Just hearing it now is enough. I appreciate that you want to keep it special. It makes _me_ feel special, y'know? Like I'm one lucky guy.” _ _

__He squeezed Felix's hand, and insisted on waving it around in the air at their side._ _

__Felix begrudgingly let it happen. “I suppose,” he said, watching their clasped fingers wave through the air. “But again, I'm not really that special. You're too nice to me.”_ _

__Sylvain guided them into another lazy circle, their waltz maintaining the same snail-like pace. Sylvain held him a little closer now, his arm wrapped comfortably around Felix's waist. It was easy to lean back into and let it guide him, and Felix was more than happy to turn his brain off and let himself be led along._ _

__“You're right.”_ _

__Felix's gaze shot up, his brows digging deep into his face. “Hey—”_ _

__“Come on, don't get the wrong idea now. You work too hard for everything you do, and you're pretty much perfect without much effort at anything you try. You've got good looks and you know it, and you could kick all of our asses without so much as breaking a sweat. You're far too good to just be brushed off to the side and categorized as special. Except for maybe your Crest, anyway.”_ _

__Sylvain smiled gently. “Even your attitude, though, and your dedication to it. You could straight up punch me in the face right now, call me nothing but useless and worthless, and I'd thank you.”_ _

__Felix gawked up at him. “You're being stupid right now,” he said, realizing too late that he'd fallen for Sylvain's bait._ _

__“Thank you,” he said cheerfully, squeezing Felix tight. “I do my best.”_ _

__Felix rolled his eyes. _“You're _special,” he mumbled, fighting the urge to continue with _in more ways than one.____ _

____Sylvain laughed loudly. “Thank you again,” he said. “Tonight's my lucky night; I barely get one compliment a week from you. What're you going to do next, propose to me?”_ _ _ _

____Felix snapped his jaw open, but he quickly lost the fire for anything he might have said in response. He was cowed. He'd let Sylvain get to him in the worst kind of way, and he'd let him make a home underneath his skin._ _ _ _

____“Oh, my bad. I shouldn't be asking that when surely you're planning an elaborate surprise for me, yeah?”_ _ _ _

____Sylvain winked and fluttered his lashes. Felix was about to say something before he was abruptly cut off again, his entire body suddenly being forced to step out and execute a twirl underneath Sylvain's arm. He stumbled along into it, before he found himself quickly yanked back in against Sylvain's chest._ _ _ _

____Felix felt those warm arms of his embrace him, clutching him close. After a moment passed, he deigned to just simply lean into them. They'd stopped dancing, and their movement altogether, letting the cold breeze flutter past them in silence._ _ _ _

____“Thank you,” Sylvain muttered. His voice was muffled into Felix's hair, while his hands brushed up along the curve of his spine. They slowly moved in to cradle both sides of Felix's neck, and Sylvain held him like that in his warm palms, pulling his head back to lean down and press their foreheads together._ _ _ _

____“And I mean that. Thank you for doing this with me, Felix. I know there are other things you'd much rather be doing than entertaining a silly, vapid request like this.”_ _ _ _

____“You do owe me for this,” Felix muttered. “But I suppose I can overlook it just this once.” He shrugged, slowly nuzzling his head against Sylvain's. “But it's late. I'm tired and cold, and it's making it hard to keep giving you a free pass. Your room is pretty much next to mine, so you're going to be going the same way as me. Why not just call it a night and come back to mine with me?”_ _ _ _

____Sylvain gasped. “ _Felix,”_ he exaggerated, “you're not saying we should do what I think you're saying we should do, are you?” _ _ _ _

____He smirked, dipping in to snatch Felix's mouth up in a quick kiss. “But of course you are. I call little spoon.”_ _ _ _

____“We'll see,” Felix muttered. He helplessly smiled despite himself, and he stepped back, Sylvain's hand still in his. He pulled him along with a gentle tug, walking backwards towards the path that would take them to their rooms. Sylvain followed along after him with a big, stupid grin, catching up quickly to walk at his side._ _ _ _

____“Let's sleep in tomorrow, too,” he said, swinging their hands between them. “Like, super late. Let's make everyone wonder where we went.”_ _ _ _

____That actually garnered a laugh from Felix—and not just any laugh, but a barked-out noise that ended in a soft snort, and one reserved exclusively for Sylvain. “We'll see,” Felix said again, looking to Sylvain from the corner of his eye. “We'll see.”_ _ _ _

____“Aw, come on, Fifi! You know you want to. I know you know my cuddles are the best. And I know you know my mouth is the best around your di—”_ _ _ _

____“All right, Sylvain,” Felix interjected. His cheeks were hot again, the red flare immediate, and his eyes had averted themselves to the ground. “Let's save that for when we get back.”_ _ _ _

____Sylvain chuckled. He leaned in to kiss the side of Felix's neck, brief with the affection, but lingering long enough to send a shiver down Felix's spine._ _ _ _

____“Of course,” he murmured. He pressed one more kiss to Felix's temple, using the close proximity to loop his arm around his waist again._ _ _ _

____Felix heaved a sigh while he pressed close to Sylvain's side. “But first,” he muttered, “let's make you a little spoon.”_ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> screams into a cup  
> one day i'll write their actual confession  
> and maybe one day i'll write the smut that follows immediately after this
> 
> ♦ [tumblr](https://rotrograde.tumblr.com/)  
> ♦ [twitter](https://twitter.com/rotrograde)  
> (and maybe one day i'll be more active around these parts. we'll get there)


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